Why I am Catholic

I have recently heard from and old friend, who although having received a Catholic education through the 10th grade, doesn't practice due to harm done by the Church. Details were not provided, nor where they necessary --I've heard so many stories of clergy and non-clergy, who have represented the Church as harmful. Luther himself after all was a Catholic Bishop.

For a long time I have felt compelled to write my own story of harm done, and the grace God has provided me to overcome this sad occurrences that have affected my entire life.

I hope that no one finds this in bad taste.

I was baptized into the kingdom of God/Haven -- the Catholic Church at less than two weeks old, thanks to the great love of my parents and their responsible attitude, after all they were charged with not only caring for my body, but also my soul.

At the age of 4 I was harmed by Catholics for the first time. I was sexually abused, not by clergy, but by a member of my extended family -- practicing Catholics, who insured that I got to Mass even at that age.

When I innocently went to tell the wife of the perpetrator, also a devout Catholic and extended family member. Her face promptly turned of one of the unconditional loving kindness, which was my only experience, up until that time; but to one of rage and horror. She promptly grabbed me, held me over the wash room sink and washed my mouth out with soap, all the time shouting in her rage what a horrible child an liar I was.

At the age of four, one can only imagine how a full bar of soap fits into that undersized mouth. Not to mention the similarities to this and the night before. Similar words were whispered in my ear as the sexual abuse of the previous night were occurring.

The "washing" with soap turned into a suffocation, until me autonomic nervous system shut down in preparation for death -- I passed out. I do not know when this act of attempted murder stopped. Obviously, my brain did not go without oxygen long enough to produce permanent intellectual damage. Whoever the involuntary shutting of the autonomic nervous system in preparation for death produced significant damage, and in conjunction with events of the previous night, produced a debilitating affect on me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spritually. These have haunted me my entire life.

I came to, probably about 8 hours later, not having to be hospitalized via the ambulance that arrived. When I came to; much like Dorothy at the end of the Wizard of Oz; I was to be greeted by the perpetrator's wife now a perpatrator herself, and my younger sister, who witnessed this; as if nothing had every happened. My younger sister, in her innocence did inform me that the ambulance had been there. What went through my psyche and the change that took place in my life after these initial traumatic events took place, I have been working out since that time. First through repression and denial -- I had to survive within my family, and the perpetrators where it's most revered members. Nextt through self-destructive behavior, that continued through and intensified after these events came to the level of consciousness. And finally in trauma therapy.

I was to survive incest two more times. Once by the same perpetrator, and once by another family member.

After the second time by the initial perpetrator, at the age of 7 I gave myself a post-hypnotic suggestion. Since I awoke to my sister and the perpetrator’s wife enjoying a cup of coffee, and offering me one. This it self was a bizarre event, no one before or since had offered we children coffee. Instead of confronting the woman who had attempted to murder me at the age four after a similar even, I read her face, stood still and gathered all my resources to :
A- vow that I would never be like them,
B-repress this information deep within my subconscious, and
C-in support of A, vow that I would never drink coffee.

I kept the vow until the events came to the level of consciousness at 40 years old. I now enjoy a good cup of coffee (lol).

At the age of 7 even being in Catholic school, I became an atheist. Using all the reasoning, I'm pretty intellectual, I hear from adult atheists these days. I must have a brilliant mind to reason, similarly to Marx and Nietzsche, not mention John Lennon in his tune simply titled "God"; that God himself was an invention of humanity in order to keep people in line and to explain things that the collective intellect was not yet capable of understanding. Internally my faith became hogwash, although I continued to go through the motions, and received my sacraments, with the truest and most honest heart at the time they were administered. In spite of my mind and emotions, my heart has always remained true -- I am blessed with a gift of faith that abideds in the heart -- in spite of my intellectual atheism.

At the age of nine, I was incestuously abused by another devout Catholic family member, and blamed for the incident.

Immediately after this, I was picked up by some family member in their car in front of my home, and they attempted to snuff out my life. I recognized the car and the people in it as rather distant relatives, thus I made a decision to go with them. Had I not recognized the car and the people inside, I would not have gotten in. Even so, I hesitated. After all the first safety measure we are taught as children is to never enter a vehicle, walk with or even listen to strangers. These people being rather distant relatives, I did hesitate, but I entered.

Immediately, I found myself on the backseat floor, my body on one side of the hump, my head on the other, and a foot on my neck as it pressed me down on the hump. As I was choking, I was told to stop talking to the parish priest, who had taken an interest in my situation, and was obviously making phone calls on my behalf.

Gratefully, I was released after a trip around the block. So, I've been "around the block a few times". lol

As a child at the age of 7 through 9. It was monsignor O'Brien, my pastor at Our Lady of Perpetual Help in Clovis, CA, who took an interest and tried to help me. Not breaking the seal of the confessional, he would talk to me after having given me absolution. He would also, talk to me and at school, and in the rectory. Somehow he put the pieces together, and I know he made some phone calls on my behalf.

Monsignor O'Brien, the first priest I ever knew, this elderly Irishman, complete with brogue, and suffering from arthritis, so bad he couldn’t' make it up the altar stairs, without the help of we altar boys. He was my champion, my hero, although I did not know it at the time. As are so many of our wonderful priests, who work unrecognized, behind the scenes performing prodigious efforts of helpfulness and charity. I shall never forget him.

Whenever people bash our priests rightly or wrongly -- particularly the tiny minority, who have molested children -- I reflect on Monsignor O'Brien, and the wonderful example he gave me of the vast majority of priests the 99%, who go above and beyond to help others, many times anonymously, and never seeking recognition for themselves in this life.

In addition to having been blessed with a genuine hero on my behalf, I have been given a great gift -- the memory of this priest. This priest, who stood up for me, with faith and courage and the conviction that comes from knowing the truth. He refused to sweep my situation under the rug, and actually took action, and this during a time when very little was known about child abuse, and almost nothing was ever done about it. Unfortunately, he died before a personal resolution to my situation could have been affected. Those times being what they were, I am not sure that he could have acheived a resolution, however anything is possible with God, and he did try.

And so the consequences of my self destructive behavior and the collateral damage they have done to others, have had to play out for a period of time.


The release of these memories to the level of consciousness started at 40 years of age, and were triggered, when I was doing work for a charitable organization behind the walls at state penitentiary. As we were leaving, we passed the inmates dining area. I was at once overwhelmed with a scent that was both familiar and repugnant. That smell I later identified with the laundry room sink, in which through suffocation, my life was almost ended.


We need more success stories, about our priests, and during this year of the priest; I think the timing is right.

We must remember and always be ready with these stories of the vast majority of priests, the 99%, as the world is so full of stories and ready to publicize in every medium the few scndlous stories of the other 1%.

We can start with the following, before we had enlightened government agencies like CPS, it was the Church, the Catholic church not the protestants or evangelicals, the fundies; who did the protecting the housing the clothing the feeding, the raising of children.

I am a great baseball fan, and also a New York Yankees fan, and so there is another success story that is dear to me. Babe Ruth a practicing Catholic, and an active member of the Knights of Columbus. Babe Ruth was raised in a Catholic orphanage, and he was the most famous athlete of his time. At one point he was the most photographed human being on the planet. Why is The Babe remembered for just his baseball prowess, and excesses of eating and drinking; while his Catholicism is ignored?

The movie The Babe brought out some of his faith. The fact that he was raised in an Catholic orphanage, where he learned to play baseball, and the fact that he did not marry for the second time, until his first wife had died. I thank it is time for a film, a book that details his faith life and features it much more. Something like the DVD, The Champions of Faith -- the Baseball addition -- but completely devoted to the Bambino.

And let us not forget; that except for in the few isolated, yet will publicized cases, in which we minimize neither the scandal to the Church nor the damage done to others; we must always remember that we are the body of Christ and have a long history and tradition of doing good to and for children, for we are the body of our founder Jesus Christ, who when asked, who then is the greatest in th kingdom of heaven, placed a child on his lap, and this in a time and a culture where children were thought of more as property than as human beings. The words he said afterward are important, but the image of him, in front of our first bishops, placing a child on his lap speaks volumes. Could you imagine, in that time and in that culture, what it must have been like to have been there, when he did that most radical act.

As Catholics of course we can imainge this and understand. Everyday in schools and religious education classes, and orphanages and parishes around the world, we do as Jesus did and place the children of the world on our laps, not to scold, beat or in other ways abuse, but to love and care for an nurture.

We need more stories about the 99% of our priests, who live their lives according to their vows, responsibly ministering to children and adults alike, particular in this year of the priest, and we need more stories form the vast majority of us, who have had positive experience in Catholic schools.

I certainly welcome and will publish such stories on http://www.stmichaelgodsknight.com

Copyright Fred Celio 2009